Sex for Shy Young People

If you are a shy young person it is natural for you to feel uncertain about engaging in sexual activity. You may find it difficult to overcome feelings of shame and embarrassment. You need to know that there is nothing wrong with doing what comes naturally - particularly if it is fun, boosts your self-esteem and allows you to stay within your comfort zone.

Shyness is often a sign of sensitivity. Some shy young people have a negative self-image and cannot imagine anyone finding them physically attractive. This can be a hindrance to getting into a sexual relationship. My advice would be to simply focus on the parts of your body you like and make the most of these, while also recognising that there are many different ways of making yourself appear sexy.

The information about sex provided at school is of little practical value to shy young people because it can make sex seem too unromantic and risky. If you are a beginner it is a good idea to assume that the giving and receiving of sexual pleasure is what it's all about. It will almost certainly help if you can talk openly about this. You may then discover the pleasures of playful, consensual sex between two people who treat each other in a personalised way and try to be honest with each about their wishes and feelings.

So how can you meet someone who understands your anxieties and takes things slowly?

It usually starts with going out together as friends. Connecting with another person on an intimate level is simply a matter of meeting a person who likes what you have to offer and sending a clear signal that you are interested. Although it can be difficult to read signs of interest in a physical relationship, if you really want this you must try to overcome your shyness. Your sense of when and how to take this first step is something you can only learn about through trial and error.

You may want to kiss and hold hands first to see whether there is a spark of interest. Sexual pleasure is all about exploration of the body and being spontaneous and this applies to both sexes. When you kiss, undress and fumble for the first time it may feel a bit strange. Some shy people have feelings of shame about nudity and are anxious about being looked at. If you are both inexperienced this can be tricky and it is a good idea to keep things light-hearted. Shy people tend to be sensitive to body language and any signs of withdrawal of consent. Don't expect too much first time and feel free to stop if you feel uncomfortable.

You may have feelings that are hard to talk about. If you come from an upbringing that links sex with shame and guilt you will have to stop listening to these negative messages - but without forgetting to act responsibly and with consent. You will probably require some reassuring signs from your partner to help you manage your own anxieties. A good way to show your positive feelings, if you find them difficult to express in words, may be through affectionate touching, stroking, fondling and kissing.

Some young women view sex as something they have to do to please their partner. They do not feel entitled, as young men usually do, to explore and enjoy their own sexuality to its fullest. In fact, there are lots of sexy things they can do together apart from penetrative sex. Females vary enormously in the way they obtain sexual pleasure. They have desires and these are not simply about wanting to be wanted and submitting to the male.

I believe that a woman should not just be satisfied with her partner coming, because it's easier for him, and then thinking that's the end of the sexual encounter. She should let herself go, play with herself and make sure she comes too. It is perfectly normal for a woman to take up to twenty minutes to become fully aroused and orgasmic.

You may find your early attempts at sex are driven by curiosity rather than lust. Sexual desire can be difficult to understand until you have experienced it. Good sex is usually meant to be a satisfying experience between two affectionate people, from which they both emerge feeling good. If you feel a strong emotional connection you may discover that fantasies develop that may surprise you. All of this can help you to act in a more sexual way generally and with practice this will become second nature.

Young women often use body language to show they are feeling sexy and sometimes, under the influence of alcohol, behave quite provocatively. We live in such a bewildering time that it can be difficult for young men to know the appropriate etiquette for indicating their sexual interest. I believe that sex is a grown-up form of play and it is natural for young people to engage in flirting, seducing and teasing to convey their interest. If shy people can relax, loosen up and become more playful this may make them feel more confident generally in the social world.

Some shy people may have difficulty overcoming their anxieties. If they suffer from performance anxiety they may have a tendency to go into freeze mode and shut down emotionally when in very close proximity to another person. If they find the sexual encounter stressful they may decide they do not want to expose themselves in this way again. I would encourage them to think of their shyness not as as a weakness but as an intrinsic part of growing up into adulthood that many people struggle with on occasions. In my experience it is important to be authentic and not give up the search to find someone who likes you just the way you are.

Most young women believe that penetrative sex is what young men want and this is certainly loaded with meaning for both of them. However, it is probably a good idea not to do this until you have had a serious discussion about it. Young women probably assume that if she tells a young man that she is not ready for penetrative sex this would put him off completely - but she would be wrong. If she has lots of sexy things she'd like to do with him I'm sure he'll still be keen!

Hilary Searing

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