Finding Intimacy in Sex

The sado-masochistic relationship at the core of the film Secretary, directed by Steven Shainberg, may initially seem weird but all is explained in this well-crafted, entertaining and thought-provoking film. The complexities of the sexual relationship are so well acted and beautifully filmed that everything makes sense.

At one level it is an office romance in which the office is the place for the serious business of erotic game-playing. At another level it is an extraordinary sexual encounter between two shy people that develops into a love affair. It is also a satire on political correctness and the power relations between men and women.

The film explores the darker and deeper aspect of sex. In the strange world that we are drawn into feminism is irrelevant. As the relationship between the two central characters develops we realise their behaviour cannot be judged by any notions of normality. All that matters if that they both enjoy their erotic encounter. Their needs are complementary and the games played out by both of them are obviously satisfying.

At the beginning of the story Lee Holloway, a drab, sloppily-dressed, former psychiatric patient is delighted when she gets the job of secretary to the attractive Mr Grey. In her new role as Miss Holloway she accepts the humiliation and disregard that her boss coldly conveys to her. She deliberately makes typing errors so that he can bend her over his desk and give her a good spanking and both find satisfaction in the sado-masochistic relationship that develops. This treatment is erotically satisfying to her and gradually she is transformed into a confident, sexy, young woman. In the background is a gentle, caring boyfriend, under pressure from his parents to marry Lee, who does not arouse her sexually.

Lee is from a dysfunctional family with an over-protective mother who does not allow her to grow up. The obsessively controlling Mr Grey is not really explained, apart from the fact that he had a controlling ex-wife. However, we understand why they are so well matched. The sado-masochism is presented as a game in which intense emotional needs are being played out. While many of us may find the game bizarre, and possibly laughable, it is in fact a very serious game which has a compulsive, obsessive quality. The underlying message seems to be that it is the strong sexual attraction that drives these two people into their weird game and which gives them a sense of liberation and the possibility of change. Unsurprisingly, when Lee briefly ventures into the 'conventional' world of S&M she realises that off-the-shelf sadists simply don't turn her on as Mr Grey does.

This film certainly supports the conventional view that the function of sex is the giving and receiving of pleasure but it also challenges assumptions about the nature of pleasure. In any satisfying sexual relationship there are inevitably moments when the other person is treated in a de-personalised way and their feelings temporarily disregarded. People use each other for their sexual pleasure, however much they may wrap this up in the language and behaviour of seduction. Unfortunately, the feminist preoccupation with abuse has made men defensive and women confused. This has made it difficult to discuss the ambiguities around the drive for sexual pleasure or to consider the hidden personal needs that can find satisfaction in a sexual encounter.

Libertarians may argue that we can only be free when we find our own unique way of expressing our sexuality without unreasonable constraints. A mature sexual person should recognise the place of fantasy in their sex lives. Ideally, they should feel able to share their thoughts about their needs with their partner in a relaxed way. Our private fantasies may only emerge in the image we project, as well as in our own actions. Essentially, sex is an intimate form of play in which adults can be adventurous and try new approaches - in the sense of whether to be assertive or responsive, dominant or submissive, controlling or accommodating. It is through exploring the possibilities in the nature of a relationship with another person and by being playful and imaginative that they are most likely to discover and express their real selves.

Feminist rejection of traditional gender roles may have been absorbed into mainstream culture but much of the sexual imagery of the dominant male and submissive female may remain in our psyches and shape our thinking about relationships. In the film traditional roles get played out in a sexual way and the outcome is liberating for both individuals. The sexual encounter creates the intimacy in which the couple can open up with each other and eventually show their needs for mutual understanding.

This is a very entertaining and optimistic film which shows the potential for a sexual encounter between a man and woman to be a crucial place for self-discovery and the unlocking of repression from the past. The like-minded person who understands their partner's need to undo the emotional damage caused by earlier warped relationships can assist this process. Participation in an ongoing sado-masochistic relationship which gratifies their unconscious longings may have the potential to promote self-esteem and even open up the possibility of a caring relationship. In a society where personal self-expresssion is being given a free rein it is important that our basic human needs for sexual gratification and a loving relationship based on emotional intimacy, mutual understanding and generosity should also be recognised.

Hilary Searing

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