Girls may seem intimidating but boys need to know that in reality what they want is quite simple. They want a romantic relationship with a boy who makes them feel special and desired. Girls may suffer just as much as boys from insecurities and uncertainties about how to be authentically themselves. However, both can get relief from the expression of their natural human needs and should know that it is pleasurable loving someone and being loved. A boy should therefore try to reach out to a girl he likes, listen to her and develop a positive relationship.

Young people today acquire too much of their knowledge, ideas and skills from others and by copying others rather than through individual trial-and-error, focusing on their own particular needs and taking personal responsibility for their actions. They spend a lot of time on social media and what they are looking for tends to be validation rather than a close interpersonal relationship.

In primary school children often play with children of the same sex. However, sometimes a girl and boy enjoy being playmates and develop a close friendship that is completely innocent but takes on a romantic character. Both of them may enjoy the attention they get from each other - as well as their participation in shared activities. Their innocent relationship can be a positive and formative experience for both of them. Obviously, a boy's relationship with a girl should be based on respect. However, for it to develop into a closer relationship - one that is mutually satisfying - there also needs to be an element of fun and playfulness in it. A loving relationship between a boy and a girl in childhood and adolescence is not only pleasurable but also associated with greater well-being in adult life.

When a girl reaches her teens she may be at a stage in her development when she is thinking about the possibility of finding romantic love. She may assume that the love would inevitably fade but have a fantasy of some kind of passionate attachment to a young person who shares her interests and makes her feel special. If she is attracted to a boy and has intense feelings for him these are not necessarily driven by sexual passion. She may simply want a friendship with him based on enjoyment of each other's company. A boy should therefore have the confidence to express any innocent, romantic feelings he has towards a girl he likes.

In adolescence boys and girls have to come to terms with the changes taking place in their bodies. Girls start developing breasts and having periods. They may have some anxieties about their sexual development and the physical discomfort they experience. Adolescent boys also become aware of the physical changes taking place in their bodies but are more inclined to feel positive about them.

Adolescents should be allowed to find their own unique way of expressing their sexual feelings. It is a private and intimate part of their life and an important place for the exploration of their personality. Obviously, some teenage girls do experience unwanted sexual behaviours from their male peers but these should not stop them from hoping for the pleasures to be found in an intimate relationship with a boy.

It certainly appears that boys and girls today are more uncertain about how to relate to each other. However, there is nothing wrong with a relationship that is romantic and includes an innocent level of physical affection. The waxing and waning of romantic feelings is not uncommon in a loving relationship between a boy and a girl and sometimes external circumstances cause them to drift apart. Some adolescents who have have grown up feeling insecure and uncertain about how to be authentically themselves may in the course of maturation learn to love someone as a person separate from themselves. However, girls who feel open to the idea of a physical relationship may still have a limited understanding of precisely how they could get pleasure from it.

Teenage girls usually think that loving feelings are good for them but sometimes find themselves in situations where they consider a boy's way of relating to them towards them inappropriate. They obviously need the confidence in navigating this stage of life successfully and knowing how to stay safe. While the need for physical affection and emotional intimacy in adolescence is exactly the same for girls as it is for boys, some girls bring a facade of self-reliance into their relationship with a boyfriend. They may also have an underlying fear that any kind of physical intimacy would be dangerous.

Teenagers should recognise that they are entitled to explore their sexual desires as fully as possible. This is an important developmental task and will open up new possibilities for their ongoing romantic and sexual development into adulthood. Obviously, the identity of a young person is influenced by their inner sense of who they are and how they express themselves in the social world. The power of young people to actively direct their own self-presentation and make choices about how they relate to others should not be underestimated. However, the motives that drive their behaviour and actions may be hidden, remote from consciousness, even while they are central to their daily lives.

A boy and girl should recognise that a relationship based on equality and the giving and receiving of pleasure can be very satisfying. During adolescence boys and girls often like to experiment with different types of relationships to discover what would be most satisfying for them. They can learn a lot from each other if they have the courage to do this. However, they should not give up hope of finding genuine love. Some girls find casual sex exciting, practice safe sex and are able to learn from their experiences to eventually decide who is the right partner for them.

Some religions seem to promote beliefs that are at odds with the notion of romantic love. Those based on obedience and conformity do not recognise the rights of women. A boy growing up with a very strict religious education will be given ideas about girls and the female body that are potentially dangerous. Formal sex education in schools does not address this problem. The notion that teachers can promote the healthy development of young people denies the complexity of the issues some young people struggle with.

A girl of 16, or older, sometimes finds herself in a situation where she considers a boy's way of relating to her demonstrates his lack of experience. However, if she knows the way that her body can be a source of pleasure for herself she may be able to show him what he needs to do to satisfy her. It would be unfortunate if a boy did not have the curiosity to find out what a girlfriend wants from him, how to give her a pleasurable experience and whether she agrees to an ongoing relationship with him.

Some adolescent girls seem to be too influenced by cultural images of femininity circulating in the media and struggle to be authentically themselves. Their way of presenting themselves is driven by fashion and 'off the shelf' notions of self-presentation rather than by genuine forms of relating based on their own understanding of what would be personally fulfilling for them. Although they may appear to the outside world to be completely normal many bring fears and anxieties to any suggestion of the possibility of an intimate relationship with a boyfriend.

Adolescent boys also tend to be influenced by what they see and read on social media. They may enjoy looking at pictures of real women scantily dressed and seek information from porn sites. However, the notion of sex portrayed there is often quite basic and is usually characterised by the stereotyped notion of the active male and the submissive female. Instead, they should pay attention to their own personal fantasies about girls - in the sense of new possibilities that would give them pleasure. However, they also need the confidence to negotiate with a girl about the question of how far can they go. In reality the sex act is about letting go and losing control for both males and females. Girls who are adventurous and open-minded in their quest for sexual pleasure will know there is more to sex than intercourse and use their imagination to explore other ways of getting the arousal and sexual release they need.

There should be greater recognition that the exploration of intimate relationships and sexual behaviour during adolescence is a natural stage of development and not inherently risky, although the boy and girl should take appropriate precautions. When there is a mutual wish to give each other pleasure the relationship is one of increasing excitement and pleasure. This kind of loving attachment can provide the blueprint for an individual about how to relate to the opposite sex in a positive way in later life.

On the other hand, some teenage girls tend to take their inner longings to the outside world and seek out teenagers or adults with whom they can identify and imitate. A one-sided crush on, or infatuation with, a person based on the idealisation of that particular person may act as a stimulus for personal growth and development. Crushes can offer girls valuable imaginative rehearsals for an experience they are not quite ready to enter into in full.

What is needed is a more relaxed attitude to sexual exploration in adolescence. During this stage of life the search for sexual pleasure is not a bad thing and young people who want to experience this will probably find themselves on a rapid learning curve. However, sexual repression in teenage girls is not uncommon and some have complex feelings about being in an intimate relationship with a boy.

There are still too many young people who have a limited understanding of the intensity of the pleasure they can get from a sexual relationship. Some recognise that sex is a grown-up form of play but are uncertain about what they really want and how far should they go. I suggest they should watch the TV comedy 'Cheaters' - an amusing and entertaining series about couple relationships in London. The drama conveys a bleak picture of the current state of married life and long-term relationships. However, if young people experience unsatisfactory relationships it may be reassuring for them to know that the sex lives of adults may not be much better. A light-hearted approach to their own sex and relationship problems may not be a bad thing.

Boys are growing up in a complex world. It is almost inevitable that they will make mistakes but they should learn from them and move on. To enjoy intimacy they must listen to their feelings, convert longing into action and attempt to bring about an intimate connection between themselves and the one they idealise. It is pleasurable loving someone and being loved. If the relationship between a boy and girl includes the mutual expression of physical affection of an intimate nature it can be a satisfying experience for both of them.

Hilary Searing

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